Dear readers,
As I have been sifting through journal entries and placing them in chronicalogical order here on this blog I had an epiphany. I am a self absorbed parent.
Now, this is not something I am proud of, nor has it been easy for my husband and children throughout the 14 years. But recognizing this maybe key to bettering myself.
My strive to be perfect has led me to shut down. If I cannot reach perfection why bother trying?
This thinking has led me to a great depression. So great that it has become unbearable. I find myself broken and defeated. I finally broke down and started taking lexapro 5mg. The side effects as usual were unbearable so I cut them in half and take half in the morning and half at night. And this seems to be working.
Now with winter quickly approaching, my fibromyalgia is in full swing of disabling spasms. If only Kansas had dispensary down the road full of medicinal marijuana I could face this winter with confidence. But I believe this state will be the last state to legalize this medical miracle. I have fibromyalgia friends who are living functional lives because of this God made plant. And sadly I cannot have access to it because my state still considers it to be a street drug to be stopped. And thus leaving me without the medicine my body needs to get through the winter.
What winter and cold weather does to my body:
1. Makes my body tense up and shiver.
2. My body then cannot release tightened muscles. So tight that they are charley horse like spasms in my arches of my feet, calves, hips, back, butt, forearms, hands, neck, and even face once (that wad an interesting and agonizing experience that left my face in bells palsy drooping appearance).
Then...
3. My body is left sprained or strained and in agonizing pain.
Doctors claim this is fibromyalgia but I am far from convinced. I wish I knew what was really going on with my body. Flexeril is not completely keeping these spasms at bay. An hour before my next dose is ready to be taken I experience charley horse spasms. Have you ever seen the video where a guy has his calf on cam dancing about toying with his mind? That is what I face if a missed dose is experienced. However during that hour before I am due for flexeril it dances about nearly gripping its wrath teasing me, and testing my sanity.
If you have this experience and are diagnosed with something other than fibromyalgia can you comment what this is? So I can hopefully find answers to what this is so I can be treated properly?
Thank you so much I can't do another winter with this cop out diagnosis (fibromyalgia).
I am writing as my butt and thighs are spasming 2 hours after taking flexeril because the winter bitter cold is approaching in and gripping my body in a horrific world of uncontrollable spasms.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D
