Self absorbed parent

Dear readers,
As I have been sifting through journal entries and placing them in chronicalogical order here on this blog I had an epiphany. I am a self absorbed parent.
Now, this is not something I am proud of, nor has it been easy for my husband and children throughout the 14 years. But recognizing this maybe key to bettering myself.
My strive to be perfect has led me to shut down. If I cannot reach perfection why bother trying?
This thinking has led me to a great depression. So great that it has become unbearable. I find myself broken and defeated. I finally broke down and started taking lexapro 5mg. The side effects as usual were unbearable so I cut them in half and take half in the morning and half at night. And this seems to be working.
Now with winter quickly approaching, my fibromyalgia is in full swing of disabling spasms. If only Kansas had dispensary down the road full of medicinal marijuana I could face this winter with confidence. But I believe this state will be the last state to legalize this medical miracle. I have fibromyalgia friends who are living functional lives because of this God made plant. And sadly I cannot have access to it because my state still considers it to be a street drug to be stopped. And thus leaving me without the medicine my body needs to get through the winter.
What winter and cold weather does to my body:
1. Makes my body tense up and shiver.
2. My body then cannot release tightened muscles. So tight that they are charley horse like spasms in my arches of my feet, calves, hips, back, butt, forearms, hands, neck, and even face once (that wad an interesting and agonizing experience that left my face in bells palsy drooping appearance).
Then...
3. My body is left sprained or strained and in agonizing pain.

Doctors claim this is fibromyalgia but I am far from convinced. I wish I knew what was really going on with my body. Flexeril is not completely keeping these spasms at bay. An hour before my next dose is ready to be taken I experience charley horse spasms. Have you ever seen the video where a guy has his calf on cam dancing about toying with his mind? That is what I face if a missed dose is experienced. However during that hour before I am due for flexeril it dances about nearly gripping its wrath teasing me, and testing my sanity.
If you have this experience and are diagnosed with something other than fibromyalgia can you comment what this is? So I can hopefully find answers to what this is so I can be treated properly?
Thank you so much I can't  do another winter with this cop out diagnosis (fibromyalgia).
I am writing as my butt and thighs are spasming 2 hours after taking flexeril because the winter bitter cold is approaching in and gripping my body in a horrific world of uncontrollable spasms.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D

Depression rock bottom

So I don't have the proper strand of marijuana (I've read the Harley Quin helps pain, anxiety, depression, and muscle spasms which is what I am faced with every waking hour). And so since I don't have the right strand it has contributed to my depression and because of circumstances in my life right now I had a melt down and relapse of cutting well scratching myself with a torn can to release the emotional hurt feelings so I could help them heal.  I still kinda wanna run away but it is getting lesser now with lexapro and short stay at the mental hospital. I am still very much anxious and my spasms have returned full force because I stopped smoking my marijuana August 18th, 2017. 😭
If only I had a dispensary down the road to go to and get the strand I need to nip this all in the butt. Republican state is not likely going to make it legal anytime soon. And to be honest it maybe the last state to get on board the legalize train. So I am discouraged in my quest for relief.
It is like finally finding the perfect solution and starting to get my life back then bam suddenly I found myself in a hole deep and dark and wanting to run away. So i am going to sit down and type up my journal entries and post date them as I had started to do but grew discouraged because no one seems to be reading my blog. At least not commenting and encouraging me to keep sharing my deepest inner thoughts.
So, what has been going on in my life that lead to my relapse? Oh someone found out their husband cheated on them 10 years ago for 2.5 years and then beat the stroke victim to a bloody swollen black and blue pulp and then thankfully someone called the cops on her and she was arrested and has to do court thing. Plot twist someone we share as a friend had a recording of a voice mail on a tape of a butt dialed call received during one of many affairs and on the tape you could (I never heard the tape) hear the mistress saying "oh ******* you make my stockings so wet" barf. So my husband had over heard this and said for them to burn the tape. This was months ago. So now that the cat is out of the bag the tape was brought up and this friend couldn't give it to the victim so again I reinforced the burn it comment my husband had made months prior to the coming out party. The tape hoarder "couldn't burn it" so I said "then give it to her" again she said "I can't" so she finally said she burned it. Then on the morning i relapses I got a call from the victim asking if i had told our friend to burn the tape and i said "yes, I didn't think you needed to hear that" she then yelled "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED! FOR THAT I AM CUTTING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY OUT OF MY LIFE AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!" She kept yelling but I just hung up and began crying. So I grabbed my purse and what change I could find so I could go buy a can of energy drink with red dye and tear the can and scratch my arm to release those hurtful things along with about March April my husband informed me if I didn't start putting out he was going to have to visit a massage therapist because he was a sexual being and had needs. Then proceeded to show me a listing of girls offering services and clicked on one and said "she's cute" the whole reason I started smoking marijuana instead of taking norco for my pain and spasms. Then kids found out and blurted it outside for everyone to hear well my oldest did every chance he got then his friends started doing the same and my oldest started threatening to tell someone I smoked it so he and his siblings could be taken away that is if I didn't let him or his friends do something. Which is my biggest fear is losing my kids. Cuz if I did ever lose them I promise you I won't go through the hoops this time and I will sign my rights away and go kill myself. I promise.
So then also my husband over the years had threatened to move out and get a divorce leaving me feeling disposable and sent me farther into my depression. So I was over it all after my cutting and now that its healed much better. However when he dropped me off at the hospital he threatened me one more time. Stating "If you go in those doors I will be moved out by the time you get out and moved into the rent house, and if and when you get your head together and IF I ain't seeing anyone by then, THEN I may or may not take you back." I told him "All the shit you're going through I'm going through it too, plus my husband keeps threatening divorce and moving out and getting sexual favors from stranger women which is not at all helpful and he just did it again.) I started crying and shut the door and walked away he sped off. I went in on Friday got out Monday and he hadn't had "time to move out". Anyway. I feel disposable when he threatens divorce or moving out or red light special gonorrhea whore favors.
So I popped off at a BBQ towards him about I'm disposable and yeah right to his I love you statement he made. Which made him embarrassed and mad. We talked it out on the way home and he I think finally got it. He asked what he was supposed to do in the moments that he has had enough. I said idk how about we go to counseling and work this out not throw my ass out of your life to fend for myself without a livelihood to support myself muchless the kids. And no doubt I would end up losing the kids because of my history of course i didn't say all that but all before life was said. Lol. Anyways. He wrote me an apology letter and I wrote him back one and think for now we are good while we wait for lexapro to work and counseling to change my destructive coping skills to more positive ones and turn my life around.
I am still stressed with my oldest being a jerk and saying horrible things to me either under his breath or yelling at my face. He is so hateful and I have no idea why. I am so ready to just give him what he wants and throw him into a foster home and let him find out he actually isn't living the horrible life he thinks he lives. I just keep taking the emotional blows and continue wanting to run away. Then my little one who has started not minding and talking back makes me give up om doing anything other than put food infront of her and go outside to smoke, crochet and play games on my phone. It isn't fair to her but I can't deal so I remove myself but not neglect, her needs are met. I want to be a fun mom, I just get one hiccup in my day and I give up.  The way I been with the boys when they were little, while I was going through the Josephine sick baby pregnancy. I couldnt help it. I was faced with a man who wanted me to not be sad but acting like nothing was going on wasn't helping me...still to this day doesn't help me. Idk what helps me to be honest, haven't found the help I need yet. But I know the compassion friends support group just made me realize it's not going to get easier. Some been going there for a decade and it seemed to be like they lost theirs yesterday and I didn't want that to be me. So. Anyway.
That's what been going down in my life. Again I will post date entries and start posting them hopefully soon. Maybe it will help me to share my deepest darkest secrets to strangers on the net (if only they would comment hint hint). Sorry I haven't been posting, and I know my promises are obviously worthless but hey I am going to try again. IT IS HARD WITHOUT COMMENTS FOR ME TO KEEP GOING JUST SAYING.
Anyways,
Talk to y'all later,
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

June 14, 2017

Dear Journal,

I have been struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts and fantasies. It has been so strong and seems so appealing. But I instead walk away, and ignore them. I think my post partumdepression is rearing its ugly head finally. (I stopped breastfeeding March 2017 and I think its finally bottomed out with the hormones strange I know it seems but I swear that is exactly what is going on with me).

I also maybe throwing myself under a bus here with admitting the next part. On May 5th I began smoking Marijuana to treat my fibromyalgia. Not legal here yet but I don't care. By May 17th I had taken my last Norco 5, cyclobenzaprine, and gabapentin and I haven't looked back. I do still take an occasional naproxen otc for muscle pain and swelling.

The reason for the change is I was on Robaxin for awhile because I had been having breakthrough spasms with the cyclobenzaprine and they switched me. I am just sick and tired of taking pills all the time to be able to function in my day. Depending on them for ability to go through a day with little discomfort as possible. I wanted my life back. And yes pills did it for me for awhile but turned into a ball a chain. Sure swapped for another ball and chain but one that I believe is my saving grace. My stomach has been so much better far as digestion goes and my sleeping also has been better and well the Keto's can be thanked for most of this....but the Marijuana totally takes credit for the pain relief and spasm relief. I tried smoking just at night and by the third night I suffered a monster of a spasm so I smoke three times a day. I really wish there was a more of an exact science as to how much I am getting but its not legal here so no dispensaries to visit and see what other options I have and if I can find the right strand (which upon researching I think Harley Quinn sounds perfect for Fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, (pain and muscle spasms). Sure the brain fog is totally not helped by THC but finding the right strand I think will be key to finding my perfect high.

Anyone out there know what strand I need to get for my issues (Depression, Anxiety, Muscle spasms, and pain? What forms of marijuana would you recommend for me? I am so pleased but I do know the kind I got is not the right strand for me $60 for an ounce wasn't bad but lots of leaves and stems. So not sure what kind I have but it takes the edge off of my sufferings just enough to where I can enjoy my day without pills and without stomach discomfort and I also am enjoying my appetite back. Why this is still illegal is disheartening. And this may condemn me for breaking the law but at this point  the relief I am experiencing is worth any jail time I may face for admitting this use.

I hope my experience helps someone out there suffering and sick of taking pills to function in their daily lives. If you do attempt to try it and its not for you keep trying different strands cuz you gotta try them all to find the right one for you. So don't give up just because the strand you tried didn't do what you need it to do. Research what you need or ask a dispensary worker what strand would be good for what you are up against. If you are not located where its legal you got the internet to help determine what strand you need to get. And I hope you can find you a hook up to obtain such strand so you can feel better and get out of the pill schedule and dependency. Again sure trading one thing for how every many pills you take everyday multiple times a day is so worth it to me. My stomach has not been this calm in years.

I have Fibromyalgia, Depression, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, and PMDD as well as late postpartum depression due to stopping breastfeeding a few months ago, but no one will confirm that because its been over 3 years since giving birth. Anyways.

I am so hopeful with my discoveries. its so controversial and frowned on but glad these days are starting to open more minds to the thought. I hope USA wide it will become legal and we all can enjoy a trip to our local dispensaries to obtain the perfect strand for our ailments and we can all find relief in the very near future!

Have you tried this treatment? Has it helped? How many strands have you tried so far? What do you suffer from?  What strand works for you best so far? Let's join the conversation on this matter and hope for change in laws to make this available for all American's especially the medically suffering American's who have suffered far too long and depended too intensely on medication to function in our days.

Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from some of you and learn what works for you so I can hope to find the right strand for me.

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Yep I'm allergic to Mary kay

https://youtu.be/s94r5Hkuv5Y

So I went in for a facial pamper party...included cleansing, moisturize, eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, foundation and blush...back to the drawing board to find something that I can wear without this happening. Anyone out there experience the same? Did you find a product that you weren't allergic to? Please tell me...I was told to try alamay whatever...I don't have a lot of money to be tossing around just to find I'm allergic...so hopefully someone who has been here done this...knows what works and will comment and let me know thanks!

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
P.s. now I'm going to bed

update on me my allergies

OK so turns out I am allergic to this shampoo called Ba Byliss Pro thermal ionic smoothing shampoo
Ingredients are as follows: Water (Aqua), Ammonium Lauryl Sulfate, TEA-Lauryl Sulfate, Cocamide MEA, Glycol Stearate, Panthenol, Polyquaternium-10, Zingiber Officinale (Ginger) Root Extract, Silk Amino Acids, Orbignya Oleifera Seed Oil, Allantoin, Paullinia Cupana Seed Extract, Cinnamidopropyltrimonium Chloride, Borago Officinalis Seed Oil, Fragrance (Parfum), Tetrasodium EDTA, Propylene Glycol, Citric Acid, Sodium Chloride, Methylchloroisothiazolinone, Methylisothiazolinone, Blue 1, (CI 42090), Ext. Violet 2 (CI 60730)


Ok so BabylissPro Thermalionic smoothing shampoo not sure where the spaces go on the names but I am guessing with the above name I typed....I am not allergic to the conditioner of the same brand so going to try and sort through those ingredients vs this ingredients and rule out some of the ingredients as not being the culprit I hope...then I am going to take Garnier Fructis Color Shield shampoo and conditioner and eliminate any of those ingredients that are also found in this shampoo I was allergic to and hopefully narrow it down even farther...wish me luck!

That reaction was horrible it left my skin feeling hard like super glue dried on it then it cracked and flaked off...my head is still itchy from my using it for a week before deciding maybe hey I am allergic to this stuff...and found soy in the conditioner which I am allergic to soy but am not allergic to the conditioner so strange to me! so anyway! I am tired of my head itching...and the medicine doesn't really help that the doctor gave me...so IDK what to do...my main doctor said to stop washing my hair...uh I keep sweating and yeah I cannot not wash my hair holy molly that wouldn't be something I could do without gagging...so yeah...a week of not washing didn't ease it it just made it kinda worse actually and yeah itched more so after a week of not washing my hair...so yeah...anyways...I am so tired of it yeah...

In other news I am on Wellbutrin xl take one in the morning and one in the evening and it seems to had been helping...today not so much...I want to go get my hair cut (shaved on the underside so I can see what my scalp looks like and also to schedule my mole to be removed from the back of my head in my hair area...so yeah...that is a thing I need to get done but suddenly have no motivation for...

I have viterous degeneration and viterous floaters a 50 some year old issue at age 35 and I have had it for as long as I can remember it just recently got worse to the point that it made me dizzy and I fell...it is very distracting and annoying...anyway...that is a new thing...

I also started getting epidurals for my leg pain which turns out wasn't all in my head...it was nerve pain caused by my L5 disc being torn leaking fluid on the nerves that go down my legs causing my legs to hurt Praise the Lord! I ain't crazy! and I have been off Norco for quite some time now...still take Naproxen for the swelling of my back I guess so hopefully it will get better...with the steroid injections with the epidural they give me...anyway...I need to go in someday soon to have it done again...my legs have been getting pretty crampy and having horrible muscle spasms that hurt so bad...I have had to take benadryl to relax them since I am still breastfeeding I cannot take muscle relaxants and there is no sight of ending anytime soon Evangeline is pretty much demanding it throughout the day and not just at night...17 almost 18 months old (on 10-4-15) so yeah still going strong...especially when she is upset she wants it...its her comfort and I cannot take that away from her...she still needs it so I will still give it to her...I ain't needing to stop any time soon anyway....I have no life outside of being mom...wish I could get out and be apart of the outside world but my anxiety gets the best of me still...and I cannot take valium and be able to drive and can't breastfeed either...so yeah...anxiety is still here but wellbutrin is not so bad as I remember it being...though I do feel a bit out of it...like absent minded...exhausted a lot of the time...like I am not getting enough sleep...and then there is the night terrors are back...I had one where I shot up out of bed trying to catch Evie falling off the foot of the bed but it was just a dream I woke up trying to catch her who was sound asleep beside me...then the other night I had another vivid dream where someone was in my bedroom and I said who is there and they ran to the closet and hid there and was peeking out the closet at me and I kept asking who was there and I was getting angry and woke up and realized there was no way anyone could be hiding in my closet cuz it was jammed pack with clothes and stuff...(bedding and what nots) Anyway kinda scary considering my sleeping arrangements...yes still co sleeping with Evie she won't stay asleep in her bed once moved there...but maybe an hour...if that...and I won't let her cry herself to sleep like I did the boys...I just cannot do it...it broke my heart when I did it with the boys...but everyone told me I had to do that so they would learn to soothe themselves blah blah blah...now they hate me so yeah...I don't want this one to hate me...I hope she won't hate me...she is my last hope of not failing at being a mom...like with the boys...they hate me so much...

D even threatens that he wants to kill himself because of me and what I say to try and correct his behaviors and the way he is treating his friends and brother...where he is threatening to punch his brother J in the face if he doesn't do what he says to do and then when he does do what he says to do and fails he punches him anyway...so surprisingly J doesn't want to play with him at all cuz no matter what poor J does he still gets hurt by D there is no winning with D....and I point this stuff out to D about how it isn't nice the way he treats his brother...I am sure he does it with his friends too cuz when he has them spend the night I hear him threaten to not really punch them in the face but not have them over again or something along that lines manipulating to get his way...he does it with me also...if I don't do this or that he won't ever do this or that for me ever again...blah blah blah....I am very tired and exhausted with this cycle we are going round and round with...and I don't know how to end it...I started this choremonster thing and going to sit down with everyone tomorrow night and try and sort out prizes and chores they are willing to do for points to cash in for prizes be it time to play on the computer, xbox, tablets...money...date night with mom or dad one on one...whatever....and then sort out the points worth for each...I want to get a schedule set down for the house as well so its a predictable routine for all of us so we can know what to expect everyday and every weekend...like bedtime at 12 on weekends sometimes gets stretched to 1 or 2am  sometimes longer (fri and saturday but sunday night back to 9pm (normally stretched out to 10 smh prolly need to set that earlier)...anyways I am trying to get a handle on things but the thing with medication is it is fine and dandy alone but if the situation I am in doesn't change soon it won't help to be on medication...IMHO the situation has to change as well as the medication being added...so anyways...I am trying...feel I am failing...but trying to rise above it...and do better...hey after all God said everyday is a new day rejoice and be glad in it...so yeah trying to do that...

J hasn't been eating what we fix for dinner...I don't know why he doesn't like mashed potatoes or potatoes in general but likes french fries...he has been at least drinking the protein instant breakfast packets in milk and I tell him he can fix himself a bowl of cereal or a sandwich cuz I don't want him not to eat...I don't know if its lack of appetite or a texture deal or it hurts his stomach or what...I am ready to take him to the doctor though over it because I feel like its anorexia nervosa but not the image type...its what I had where I had no appetite because my body associated food with pain so it suppressed my appetite so I wouldn't hurt...my kids are scared to go to the doctor I guess cuz they won't tell me anything is wrong with them until they cannot handle it anymore...a while back J said his stomach hurt so bad that he didn't know what was happening and was crying historically doubled over in pain....my dad's side of the family said it wasn't appendix or anything like that...probably hunger pangs so after he ate he was better...so he claimed...so he could swim more with his cousins...anyways...I am about done with this whole not eating deal...picky eater? I really seriously don't know what his deal is...he won't talk to me about it so it is very frustrating for me...he says no to everything I ask...do you think you are fat? no....does it hurt your stomach to eat certain foods? no....do you not like the texture or taste of the foods? no...what is it? I don't know....so I don't know if it is a control thing...if its a pain thing...if its a image thing...I really don't know...I do know they weigh in at nanny's and brag about how they are so and so lbs...at their school the physical education teacher stresses the importance of not being fat and to be fit and active...both boys haven't been eating much for awhile now...since matter fact Michelle Obama changed the food for public schools they have just gotten skinnier and skinnier...they need more calories than what is offered at school now...they burn a whole lot more than most kids their age...D especially...he has ADHD and cannot sit still very long...especially if he has red dye...that is another thing I notice is that when D has something with Red Dye 40 he gets more dramatic about threatening his brother to do things he wants him to do and cries and threatens to kill himself and how we wouldn't care if he ran away and what not...I blame red dye...he says its not red dye its he is a boy and he is 11 almost 12 and he is going through the change as he calls it...and he is just a teenager who has a bunch of emotions that are out of control...maybe so...but still want him to avoid red dye...but its very hard to...its in just about everything kids like to eat or drink...and its like a drug I swear...D will get hell bent on going to the gas station with his friend with his money and then come back with red dye candy and drink and just go nuts...and he won't take no for an answer...very head strong D is...J is headstrong about not eating what is fixed for dinner...he even wanted meatballs then he didn't eat hardly any of them...I don't get it...I am trying to get foods he likes to eat so he will eat...but he still wont eat...I want to take him to the store and have him pick out foods he thinks he will eat and get them all and then fix them throughout the week and if he doesn't eat them...then I will take him to the doctor...I am sick of this...he looks like he is suffering from malnutrition imho but my husband was this skinny he says he just couldn't gain weight...just like both boys...J is worse than D but D is bad too just not as bad as J....I was also skinny as a child but I don't remember being this skinny...but they won't eat...I can lead a horse to water but cant' make it drink...I am trying...failing but trying...I just hope no one takes it upon themselves to turn me in to authorities and get them taken from me...that would not be helpful what so ever...would make my situation a whole lot worse than it already is...my kids will get it in their heads that living with someone else would be much better than being with me and my husband but then quickly learn no its not better and want to come home but it would be too late then...I cannot go through another loss like losing my girls...that was my biggest loss by far and will always be my biggest loss and I will say that until the day I die...I lost two babies who died and my mother died and still I say losing my girls was the worst loss I have ever faced to date...so no that would not help me...you want to help me? OK come to my aid and help me don't duck out and secretly turn me into the child thieves....show me how it is done how to fix it come to my house and guide me in the way you think it would work with my kids...because you telling me how to do something and I do it and it don't work because I didn't understand what you meant...or it just wont work with my kids whatever it is...I would be sure it doesn't work or does because you actually came and guided me in doing what you were talking about and then I can show you it does or doesn't work...anyways...I am open to suggestions I am open for people to come and show me how it is done...I am not open to having my children taken from me and thrown into a corrupt system just because you don't think I am doing what I say I am failing at doing...or you think you know what is going on in my life but you ain't here 24 7 to know for sure what is going on...anyways...help the right way or not at all thank you...

With that...I am going to go to bed...I feel much better now that I vented this horrible stuff that has been eating at me for awhile now...so good night and please just know venting helps me much more than anything and this is my venting post and I feel much much better about my situation...just still not motivated...but I will get there...gn
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

sorry if I blew up your email and stuff

So sorry if you are getting tons of notifications. I found my journal and wanted to put it in here for personal record of my roller coaster called life. so it can be chronologically in order. There is tons more to type out. And it actually is therapeutic for me to do so. I can see how nothing has changed really and looking back how I could do things differently and such. So hopefully this will help me in the long run and I can change my way of living and maybe stop feeling so out of control of it all and just let things go...I hate that I spent most my kids lives trying to stop them from being kids and self doubting myself and setting myself up for failure time and time again. As well as seeing my struggle that was very private and now that its on the net it isn't private anymore and who ever that reads this blog will see how psychotic I am at times but behind closed curtains. No one knows the turmoil inside my mind. Well until now. So please know that I am trying to be a better mom, person and wife...I am not perfect as no one out there is...they can fake perfect for sure....but I don't put up that show...especially since it doesn't help me get better and get my turmoil under control and feel better about it all...I am continuing to write out my journal and after I am done writing this one all out when I  find other journal's/entries that are found in different places here and there as I clean house...I will enter them here and post date them to the date they were written so everything can be in order of date...anyway...I am going to take a break from it now though. I wanna play some Minecraft my most recent obsession these days.

I found an adult craft server I play on. and I also am helping someone set up their own server and plan to help run it soon as they are happy with the plug ins they choose for it. Anyway. If you are an adult and like to play minecraft come see us go to http://adultcraftnetwork.enjin.com/ and tell them AuntBee sent ya ;) see ya there!

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Depression sucks

May 4, 2015
Well guys, Depression really sucks. You wake up and don't want to get out of bed just to repeat the same stuff you did the day before. How Boring that has become. But you have to push through another day. Why does routines for a depressed individual seem to make depression worse? I thought routines were good for us? I don't understand why its so hard to get out of bed to repeat what was done the day before...anyone else struggle with this? If not how do you look forward to the same stuff every day? I really wanna enjoy life again...I want to wake up and say Yay! I woke up again! Let's do this! Isn't that how it is for the un-depressed people? Or what is it like for the people who aren't depressed? I missed the memo of how life is supposed to feel like every day for the rest of the life you were given. Please fill me in, in my comments below so I know thank you for your time.