Note Mental standpoint

I realize people grieve differently but I feel guilty for the way I am grieving...it's almost like "oh well...I'm used to it" which is half way true it's becoming more and more a trend in my life. When everyone around me is so sorry to hear of yet another loss in my life most are more sorry than I am which to me is the coldest thing I can declare being a bereaved mother twice now, daughter and granddaughter twice now. But it's truth whether I want it to be or not.
Maybe I finally have that defense mechanism my husband wishes I had and it's kicked in and is full power ahead...I guess that's a possibility...
I say to many I'm praying for you but honestly I hardly even pray ever in my life because of fear of not doing it correctly just as with cleaning or gardening I have this sheer terror come over me when even thinking about doing anything and everything I force myself in doing things then when just one person criticizes my accomplishment I painfully accomplished finally I quickly start questioning everything I'm doing in life as in if I'm doing those things right too...it's stupid but out of my control completely because I rely so much on those around me for their approval...and it's just dumb...I should only care about what I think or feel about my accomplishments and disregard everyone else's two cents as maybe two wishes for 1 them disappear and 2 them to not matter to me anymore.
I know I've ran just about everyone off in my life...because my phone never rings it was nice while I had notices of Facebook activity delivered to my phone via text message but they started being jumbled weird messages that online were normal but in text message form made absolutely no sense at all. One more instance of my cutting my arm will no doubt put my ass out on the curb and quite frankly I belong there...in the gutter because I don't deserve what I have since I can't take care of anything without fear of doing it incorrectly...so why not blow it too...I'm really getting the hang of pushing people away and really good at pissing people off too...and hurting people too.
Truth is right now if I lost everything it wouldn't surprise me at all...and I sure as hell wouldn't fight to keep it neither I mean I don't deserve anything but misery...got the memo after losing the 7th person in my life (gma Delphine, Rowsheall, Katelyn, Josephine, my mommy, gma Cole, and now River Lyric) the message is loud and clear! Though I'm not sure if I'm hearing it correctly or not...again my fear of not doing things right or not...so stupid!
Why can't God just sit me down and explain it all to me and reassure me I'm doing things right along the way? You know say here's exactly what this was for here is what exactly you are to do about it and then send me on my way encouraging me to keep going and assuring me I'm doing it correctly...then is when I will finally be able to say to my critics say what you want but this IS THE RIGHT WAY GOD TOLD ME AND KEEPS ASSURING ME IM DOING EVERYTHING THE WAY I AM SUPPOSED TO SO KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOUR SELF I HAVE NO USE FOR THEM!!!! Lol
But that won't happen, when it does it will be too late then to do anything about it anyway so I guess I need to just do it and ignore the critics because I've been asking for help and no one is offering guidance but soon as I finally do something sure then is when people come out and criticize what I've accomplished so I'm just going to do what I want and if anyone says a damn thing about if it were them they'd done it a different way...I with a smile on my face say that's very nice but I didn't ask for your criticism I simply was showing you what I accomplished today on my own after begging for people to help me in instructing me on how to do things for fear of doing things wrong, I finally over came this fear and now you suddenly are full of advice that's so very nice of you to share after I've done it...in your eyes...wrong...in my eyes though...this is how it should be done...MY WAY! Take me or leave me, I couldn't care less. Tired of waiting on everyones schedules to free up time...I have too much time on my hands and no one has time for me...I got that memo too...so compliment or congratulate me on my job well done but keep your helpful advise to yourself after it's done because it's wasteful knowledge at this point in time dear.
Have I really turned into this cold hearted bitch? Well yeah...surprisingly this pushover and walk-on dirt eater has and she has had enough of the silent until able to criticize jerks in my life. So goodbye old life hello new! I'm taking charge and if you don't agree with what I'm doing tough shit you had my puppet strings in your hands and you didn't have the time nor did you show interest in my crisis then why have you suddenly grown interest and an opinion on how to do things? Fuck you your too late! Its done and done correctly in my eyes! So stay out my life as you obviously desired to...and never share your opinion with how you think I should have done things because your too late aren't you? It's already done!
Ok I feel better now to actually live by this...THAT would be AWESOME! But doubtful oh well I tried.

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo