Self absorbed parent

Dear readers,
As I have been sifting through journal entries and placing them in chronicalogical order here on this blog I had an epiphany. I am a self absorbed parent.
Now, this is not something I am proud of, nor has it been easy for my husband and children throughout the 14 years. But recognizing this maybe key to bettering myself.
My strive to be perfect has led me to shut down. If I cannot reach perfection why bother trying?
This thinking has led me to a great depression. So great that it has become unbearable. I find myself broken and defeated. I finally broke down and started taking lexapro 5mg. The side effects as usual were unbearable so I cut them in half and take half in the morning and half at night. And this seems to be working.
Now with winter quickly approaching, my fibromyalgia is in full swing of disabling spasms. If only Kansas had dispensary down the road full of medicinal marijuana I could face this winter with confidence. But I believe this state will be the last state to legalize this medical miracle. I have fibromyalgia friends who are living functional lives because of this God made plant. And sadly I cannot have access to it because my state still considers it to be a street drug to be stopped. And thus leaving me without the medicine my body needs to get through the winter.
What winter and cold weather does to my body:
1. Makes my body tense up and shiver.
2. My body then cannot release tightened muscles. So tight that they are charley horse like spasms in my arches of my feet, calves, hips, back, butt, forearms, hands, neck, and even face once (that wad an interesting and agonizing experience that left my face in bells palsy drooping appearance).
Then...
3. My body is left sprained or strained and in agonizing pain.

Doctors claim this is fibromyalgia but I am far from convinced. I wish I knew what was really going on with my body. Flexeril is not completely keeping these spasms at bay. An hour before my next dose is ready to be taken I experience charley horse spasms. Have you ever seen the video where a guy has his calf on cam dancing about toying with his mind? That is what I face if a missed dose is experienced. However during that hour before I am due for flexeril it dances about nearly gripping its wrath teasing me, and testing my sanity.
If you have this experience and are diagnosed with something other than fibromyalgia can you comment what this is? So I can hopefully find answers to what this is so I can be treated properly?
Thank you so much I can't  do another winter with this cop out diagnosis (fibromyalgia).
I am writing as my butt and thighs are spasming 2 hours after taking flexeril because the winter bitter cold is approaching in and gripping my body in a horrific world of uncontrollable spasms.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D

Depression rock bottom

So I don't have the proper strand of marijuana (I've read the Harley Quin helps pain, anxiety, depression, and muscle spasms which is what I am faced with every waking hour). And so since I don't have the right strand it has contributed to my depression and because of circumstances in my life right now I had a melt down and relapse of cutting well scratching myself with a torn can to release the emotional hurt feelings so I could help them heal.  I still kinda wanna run away but it is getting lesser now with lexapro and short stay at the mental hospital. I am still very much anxious and my spasms have returned full force because I stopped smoking my marijuana August 18th, 2017. 😭
If only I had a dispensary down the road to go to and get the strand I need to nip this all in the butt. Republican state is not likely going to make it legal anytime soon. And to be honest it maybe the last state to get on board the legalize train. So I am discouraged in my quest for relief.
It is like finally finding the perfect solution and starting to get my life back then bam suddenly I found myself in a hole deep and dark and wanting to run away. So i am going to sit down and type up my journal entries and post date them as I had started to do but grew discouraged because no one seems to be reading my blog. At least not commenting and encouraging me to keep sharing my deepest inner thoughts.
So, what has been going on in my life that lead to my relapse? Oh someone found out their husband cheated on them 10 years ago for 2.5 years and then beat the stroke victim to a bloody swollen black and blue pulp and then thankfully someone called the cops on her and she was arrested and has to do court thing. Plot twist someone we share as a friend had a recording of a voice mail on a tape of a butt dialed call received during one of many affairs and on the tape you could (I never heard the tape) hear the mistress saying "oh ******* you make my stockings so wet" barf. So my husband had over heard this and said for them to burn the tape. This was months ago. So now that the cat is out of the bag the tape was brought up and this friend couldn't give it to the victim so again I reinforced the burn it comment my husband had made months prior to the coming out party. The tape hoarder "couldn't burn it" so I said "then give it to her" again she said "I can't" so she finally said she burned it. Then on the morning i relapses I got a call from the victim asking if i had told our friend to burn the tape and i said "yes, I didn't think you needed to hear that" she then yelled "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED! FOR THAT I AM CUTTING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY OUT OF MY LIFE AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!" She kept yelling but I just hung up and began crying. So I grabbed my purse and what change I could find so I could go buy a can of energy drink with red dye and tear the can and scratch my arm to release those hurtful things along with about March April my husband informed me if I didn't start putting out he was going to have to visit a massage therapist because he was a sexual being and had needs. Then proceeded to show me a listing of girls offering services and clicked on one and said "she's cute" the whole reason I started smoking marijuana instead of taking norco for my pain and spasms. Then kids found out and blurted it outside for everyone to hear well my oldest did every chance he got then his friends started doing the same and my oldest started threatening to tell someone I smoked it so he and his siblings could be taken away that is if I didn't let him or his friends do something. Which is my biggest fear is losing my kids. Cuz if I did ever lose them I promise you I won't go through the hoops this time and I will sign my rights away and go kill myself. I promise.
So then also my husband over the years had threatened to move out and get a divorce leaving me feeling disposable and sent me farther into my depression. So I was over it all after my cutting and now that its healed much better. However when he dropped me off at the hospital he threatened me one more time. Stating "If you go in those doors I will be moved out by the time you get out and moved into the rent house, and if and when you get your head together and IF I ain't seeing anyone by then, THEN I may or may not take you back." I told him "All the shit you're going through I'm going through it too, plus my husband keeps threatening divorce and moving out and getting sexual favors from stranger women which is not at all helpful and he just did it again.) I started crying and shut the door and walked away he sped off. I went in on Friday got out Monday and he hadn't had "time to move out". Anyway. I feel disposable when he threatens divorce or moving out or red light special gonorrhea whore favors.
So I popped off at a BBQ towards him about I'm disposable and yeah right to his I love you statement he made. Which made him embarrassed and mad. We talked it out on the way home and he I think finally got it. He asked what he was supposed to do in the moments that he has had enough. I said idk how about we go to counseling and work this out not throw my ass out of your life to fend for myself without a livelihood to support myself muchless the kids. And no doubt I would end up losing the kids because of my history of course i didn't say all that but all before life was said. Lol. Anyways. He wrote me an apology letter and I wrote him back one and think for now we are good while we wait for lexapro to work and counseling to change my destructive coping skills to more positive ones and turn my life around.
I am still stressed with my oldest being a jerk and saying horrible things to me either under his breath or yelling at my face. He is so hateful and I have no idea why. I am so ready to just give him what he wants and throw him into a foster home and let him find out he actually isn't living the horrible life he thinks he lives. I just keep taking the emotional blows and continue wanting to run away. Then my little one who has started not minding and talking back makes me give up om doing anything other than put food infront of her and go outside to smoke, crochet and play games on my phone. It isn't fair to her but I can't deal so I remove myself but not neglect, her needs are met. I want to be a fun mom, I just get one hiccup in my day and I give up.  The way I been with the boys when they were little, while I was going through the Josephine sick baby pregnancy. I couldnt help it. I was faced with a man who wanted me to not be sad but acting like nothing was going on wasn't helping me...still to this day doesn't help me. Idk what helps me to be honest, haven't found the help I need yet. But I know the compassion friends support group just made me realize it's not going to get easier. Some been going there for a decade and it seemed to be like they lost theirs yesterday and I didn't want that to be me. So. Anyway.
That's what been going down in my life. Again I will post date entries and start posting them hopefully soon. Maybe it will help me to share my deepest darkest secrets to strangers on the net (if only they would comment hint hint). Sorry I haven't been posting, and I know my promises are obviously worthless but hey I am going to try again. IT IS HARD WITHOUT COMMENTS FOR ME TO KEEP GOING JUST SAYING.
Anyways,
Talk to y'all later,
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

June 14, 2017

Dear Journal,

I have been struggling a lot with suicidal thoughts and fantasies. It has been so strong and seems so appealing. But I instead walk away, and ignore them. I think my post partumdepression is rearing its ugly head finally. (I stopped breastfeeding March 2017 and I think its finally bottomed out with the hormones strange I know it seems but I swear that is exactly what is going on with me).

I also maybe throwing myself under a bus here with admitting the next part. On May 5th I began smoking Marijuana to treat my fibromyalgia. Not legal here yet but I don't care. By May 17th I had taken my last Norco 5, cyclobenzaprine, and gabapentin and I haven't looked back. I do still take an occasional naproxen otc for muscle pain and swelling.

The reason for the change is I was on Robaxin for awhile because I had been having breakthrough spasms with the cyclobenzaprine and they switched me. I am just sick and tired of taking pills all the time to be able to function in my day. Depending on them for ability to go through a day with little discomfort as possible. I wanted my life back. And yes pills did it for me for awhile but turned into a ball a chain. Sure swapped for another ball and chain but one that I believe is my saving grace. My stomach has been so much better far as digestion goes and my sleeping also has been better and well the Keto's can be thanked for most of this....but the Marijuana totally takes credit for the pain relief and spasm relief. I tried smoking just at night and by the third night I suffered a monster of a spasm so I smoke three times a day. I really wish there was a more of an exact science as to how much I am getting but its not legal here so no dispensaries to visit and see what other options I have and if I can find the right strand (which upon researching I think Harley Quinn sounds perfect for Fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, (pain and muscle spasms). Sure the brain fog is totally not helped by THC but finding the right strand I think will be key to finding my perfect high.

Anyone out there know what strand I need to get for my issues (Depression, Anxiety, Muscle spasms, and pain? What forms of marijuana would you recommend for me? I am so pleased but I do know the kind I got is not the right strand for me $60 for an ounce wasn't bad but lots of leaves and stems. So not sure what kind I have but it takes the edge off of my sufferings just enough to where I can enjoy my day without pills and without stomach discomfort and I also am enjoying my appetite back. Why this is still illegal is disheartening. And this may condemn me for breaking the law but at this point  the relief I am experiencing is worth any jail time I may face for admitting this use.

I hope my experience helps someone out there suffering and sick of taking pills to function in their daily lives. If you do attempt to try it and its not for you keep trying different strands cuz you gotta try them all to find the right one for you. So don't give up just because the strand you tried didn't do what you need it to do. Research what you need or ask a dispensary worker what strand would be good for what you are up against. If you are not located where its legal you got the internet to help determine what strand you need to get. And I hope you can find you a hook up to obtain such strand so you can feel better and get out of the pill schedule and dependency. Again sure trading one thing for how every many pills you take everyday multiple times a day is so worth it to me. My stomach has not been this calm in years.

I have Fibromyalgia, Depression, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, and PMDD as well as late postpartum depression due to stopping breastfeeding a few months ago, but no one will confirm that because its been over 3 years since giving birth. Anyways.

I am so hopeful with my discoveries. its so controversial and frowned on but glad these days are starting to open more minds to the thought. I hope USA wide it will become legal and we all can enjoy a trip to our local dispensaries to obtain the perfect strand for our ailments and we can all find relief in the very near future!

Have you tried this treatment? Has it helped? How many strands have you tried so far? What do you suffer from?  What strand works for you best so far? Let's join the conversation on this matter and hope for change in laws to make this available for all American's especially the medically suffering American's who have suffered far too long and depended too intensely on medication to function in our days.

Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from some of you and learn what works for you so I can hope to find the right strand for me.

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Yep I'm allergic to Mary kay

https://youtu.be/s94r5Hkuv5Y

So I went in for a facial pamper party...included cleansing, moisturize, eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, foundation and blush...back to the drawing board to find something that I can wear without this happening. Anyone out there experience the same? Did you find a product that you weren't allergic to? Please tell me...I was told to try alamay whatever...I don't have a lot of money to be tossing around just to find I'm allergic...so hopefully someone who has been here done this...knows what works and will comment and let me know thanks!

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
P.s. now I'm going to bed