Depression rock bottom

So I don't have the proper strand of marijuana (I've read the Harley Quin helps pain, anxiety, depression, and muscle spasms which is what I am faced with every waking hour). And so since I don't have the right strand it has contributed to my depression and because of circumstances in my life right now I had a melt down and relapse of cutting well scratching myself with a torn can to release the emotional hurt feelings so I could help them heal.  I still kinda wanna run away but it is getting lesser now with lexapro and short stay at the mental hospital. I am still very much anxious and my spasms have returned full force because I stopped smoking my marijuana August 18th, 2017. 😭
If only I had a dispensary down the road to go to and get the strand I need to nip this all in the butt. Republican state is not likely going to make it legal anytime soon. And to be honest it maybe the last state to get on board the legalize train. So I am discouraged in my quest for relief.
It is like finally finding the perfect solution and starting to get my life back then bam suddenly I found myself in a hole deep and dark and wanting to run away. So i am going to sit down and type up my journal entries and post date them as I had started to do but grew discouraged because no one seems to be reading my blog. At least not commenting and encouraging me to keep sharing my deepest inner thoughts.
So, what has been going on in my life that lead to my relapse? Oh someone found out their husband cheated on them 10 years ago for 2.5 years and then beat the stroke victim to a bloody swollen black and blue pulp and then thankfully someone called the cops on her and she was arrested and has to do court thing. Plot twist someone we share as a friend had a recording of a voice mail on a tape of a butt dialed call received during one of many affairs and on the tape you could (I never heard the tape) hear the mistress saying "oh ******* you make my stockings so wet" barf. So my husband had over heard this and said for them to burn the tape. This was months ago. So now that the cat is out of the bag the tape was brought up and this friend couldn't give it to the victim so again I reinforced the burn it comment my husband had made months prior to the coming out party. The tape hoarder "couldn't burn it" so I said "then give it to her" again she said "I can't" so she finally said she burned it. Then on the morning i relapses I got a call from the victim asking if i had told our friend to burn the tape and i said "yes, I didn't think you needed to hear that" she then yelled "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED! FOR THAT I AM CUTTING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY OUT OF MY LIFE AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!" She kept yelling but I just hung up and began crying. So I grabbed my purse and what change I could find so I could go buy a can of energy drink with red dye and tear the can and scratch my arm to release those hurtful things along with about March April my husband informed me if I didn't start putting out he was going to have to visit a massage therapist because he was a sexual being and had needs. Then proceeded to show me a listing of girls offering services and clicked on one and said "she's cute" the whole reason I started smoking marijuana instead of taking norco for my pain and spasms. Then kids found out and blurted it outside for everyone to hear well my oldest did every chance he got then his friends started doing the same and my oldest started threatening to tell someone I smoked it so he and his siblings could be taken away that is if I didn't let him or his friends do something. Which is my biggest fear is losing my kids. Cuz if I did ever lose them I promise you I won't go through the hoops this time and I will sign my rights away and go kill myself. I promise.
So then also my husband over the years had threatened to move out and get a divorce leaving me feeling disposable and sent me farther into my depression. So I was over it all after my cutting and now that its healed much better. However when he dropped me off at the hospital he threatened me one more time. Stating "If you go in those doors I will be moved out by the time you get out and moved into the rent house, and if and when you get your head together and IF I ain't seeing anyone by then, THEN I may or may not take you back." I told him "All the shit you're going through I'm going through it too, plus my husband keeps threatening divorce and moving out and getting sexual favors from stranger women which is not at all helpful and he just did it again.) I started crying and shut the door and walked away he sped off. I went in on Friday got out Monday and he hadn't had "time to move out". Anyway. I feel disposable when he threatens divorce or moving out or red light special gonorrhea whore favors.
So I popped off at a BBQ towards him about I'm disposable and yeah right to his I love you statement he made. Which made him embarrassed and mad. We talked it out on the way home and he I think finally got it. He asked what he was supposed to do in the moments that he has had enough. I said idk how about we go to counseling and work this out not throw my ass out of your life to fend for myself without a livelihood to support myself muchless the kids. And no doubt I would end up losing the kids because of my history of course i didn't say all that but all before life was said. Lol. Anyways. He wrote me an apology letter and I wrote him back one and think for now we are good while we wait for lexapro to work and counseling to change my destructive coping skills to more positive ones and turn my life around.
I am still stressed with my oldest being a jerk and saying horrible things to me either under his breath or yelling at my face. He is so hateful and I have no idea why. I am so ready to just give him what he wants and throw him into a foster home and let him find out he actually isn't living the horrible life he thinks he lives. I just keep taking the emotional blows and continue wanting to run away. Then my little one who has started not minding and talking back makes me give up om doing anything other than put food infront of her and go outside to smoke, crochet and play games on my phone. It isn't fair to her but I can't deal so I remove myself but not neglect, her needs are met. I want to be a fun mom, I just get one hiccup in my day and I give up.  The way I been with the boys when they were little, while I was going through the Josephine sick baby pregnancy. I couldnt help it. I was faced with a man who wanted me to not be sad but acting like nothing was going on wasn't helping me...still to this day doesn't help me. Idk what helps me to be honest, haven't found the help I need yet. But I know the compassion friends support group just made me realize it's not going to get easier. Some been going there for a decade and it seemed to be like they lost theirs yesterday and I didn't want that to be me. So. Anyway.
That's what been going down in my life. Again I will post date entries and start posting them hopefully soon. Maybe it will help me to share my deepest darkest secrets to strangers on the net (if only they would comment hint hint). Sorry I haven't been posting, and I know my promises are obviously worthless but hey I am going to try again. IT IS HARD WITHOUT COMMENTS FOR ME TO KEEP GOING JUST SAYING.
Anyways,
Talk to y'all later,
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo