Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Made it through detox and feeling great

Sorry I don't do well without support on keeping up with posts on here felt like I was talking to a wall...still do...but for the quiet followers that are interested to know I figured I would drop a line to share that I'm doing a lot better with cravings for the pills and for those who want to quit their norco or other pills of pain relief...I can say you can do it...it's a struggle but once you're out of the clutches of it...it's smooth sailing from that point on.
My legs rarely have the twinge of pain in them (the reason I was on the pills for was my legs hurt for no known reason but I've come to conclusion that my sister and dad were right it was my body craving more pain meds) it was rocky but I made it through...
So if I can do it anyone can...just have someone hide your pills or dispose of them properly...(make them a paste add coffee   grounds and put in container and throw away...it maybe different where you live so talk to your pharmacy on properly disposing of medications) and good luck! 

Talk to y'all later
Sincerely, Rabeka Jo 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Day 8 detox

Not so much diarrhea today but a couple times...nausea, exhausted, can't seem to get enough sleep, shoulder bursitis hurts like a mad hornets nest, legs every once in awhile has pangs of pain that leave soon as they come so that's good...back hurts but probably cuz all I do is lay around all night and day snoozing here and there...it's ridiculous how much I've been sleeping...idk if its just the way I am without the pills or if this is still detox I just know after ten days I can't blame detox anymore...

No more cravings as they call them...I had my husband hide my pills so they wouldn't tempt me anymore...keep icing my shoulder...motivation to do anything is nonexistent...I need mojo...not the sexy kind...just keep praying for me...I can overcome and hope to bounce back soon...need to get stuff done around here and need to gain respect from my kids someway some how...I can't keep living the way I've been and the pills gave me false hope that I was fine long as I was on them...it's time to face the music and step up to the plate and mean business...in the mean time though...I have to listen to my body and rest is what is demanded of me so rest I must do...going back to bed soon...good night

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Monday, August 12, 2013

Day 7 detox

I had enough energy to take a shower and shave...which was nice....but now I'm itchy...zest wasn't my best choice on soap...tonight we go to open house at my kids school so I will miss first night of treatment but it will be ok I will go tomorrow night...anyway my pain levels are starting to come down but not in my real injury (bursitis in my shoulder) but my legs come in waves of sharp pain here and there in my calves...

I really hope my sharing my experience helps someone who is thinking about or is currently trying to stop taking pain meds...that's why I decided to share my experience...

I think I'm done craving at this point...so think I'm in the clear...it was very difficult but I made it through it...I will keep updating as new and old come into play...I still have diarrhea which is to be expected but I keep drinking power aide to keep hydrated...anyway ttyl

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Day 5 detox

I've been in bed majority of the day my legs hurt so bad and my back...I am refusing to take Tylenol and Benadryl today and I'm finding I'm totally depleted of any energy I may or may not have had today had I taken them...I need more electrolytes and cigarettes...guess I will get up and go to the store...or rather try to go to the store...ttyl 

Friday, August 9, 2013

Day 4 Detox

My pain is increased in my lower back hips and legs and even knees now...I have diarrhea...and feel spacey...those pills are so tempting...because just taking them would make all this go away and I would feel so much better so I am going to properly dispose of my pills by making them into a paste then mixing them with coffee grounds and put them in the can and throw them in the trash (as directed by my local pharmacy)...because there is no place to take unused meds...that way they can't tempt me anymore...or taunt me not sure what it is they are doing...maybe both...I went to my Assessment and am going to start going three times a week to a sobriety counselor group session...so hopefully they can give me the skills I need to get through this...if I feel weak though I may have to fake my relapse (because I can't afford to actually relapse) to get into a treatment facility...because they already told me I am out of the woods because I am past day 3 which IMHO I am far from out of the woods and I will be the one to decide when I feel safe enough to be out here in the real world that temps me every waking hour to use...OKAY?!

So yeah, still want to just cave in and use the pills and feel better and forget this pain and anxiety that is raging through my body like I been struck by lightning or something...just surged and on edge at every little thing....

Here is how strong I am...to test my sobriety today, (Devil's work on me today) I made the mistake of feeding the dogs before I left thinking nothing of it...well when we got home four hours later my husbands old dog who is 13 greeted us at the gate covered in mud and as we approached him we seen blood dripping from both ears...he had been brutally attacked by my dogs a Pug and Puggle ( he is a big old Lab mind you but he is 13 and having a hard time getting around as is)...anyway my heart sunk...I started shaking...I couldn't believe this happened and it was my fault...I should of let him in and dealt with the mud on the floor...but instead my stupid ass left him outside with food that the pug and puggle protect like wolves...which is stupid...most stupidest thing I could ever have done to the poor dog...and I feel horrible!!!!! He had to get stitches rang up a 71 dollar vet bill to buy my husband a little more time with his dog before he puts him down...which was planned on doing in the next 6 months anyway due to him not being able to get up and down stairs like he used to and getting around very roughly...he is struggling as is...and now here he is mangled and hurt...I helped my husband give him a bath to try and see what was going on with his wounds...I called the vet they said to bring him in...so we were preparing to put him to sleep as there may not have been anyway they could help him...but he ended up being able to be stitched up and bought a little more time with us...anyway...its a big strain on my sobriety...I just want to be numb from it all...all the guilt...all the pain I caused my husband...and kids...and now we have to find new homes for our pug and puggle because they maybe a threat to our kids now....I just am beside myself...I really don't know what to do or say anymore...I feel like a failure and if I take my pills I would fail even harder...so I am trying so hard to just swallow my instinct and instead of reaching for my piills...just go on and dispose of them and get that out of the way so its no longer there taunting me...I feel too weak to do that...may have to have my husband do it for me...I may be tempted to take just one sliver of each secretly while making them into a paste to mix with the coffee grounds...so either my husband watches me or he does it for me...I don't trust myself...or he hides the pills from me...something has to be done...I am totally scared of caving in and I have come so far through this...and never wish to ever visit this place never ever again...anyways...

Very eventful day...feel like crap...ready to go to bed...hoping tomorrow will be better...keep wishing that every night...the shakes weren't as bad as they were this morning...I started taking one benadryl instead of two...and hope that maybe the cause of my shakes...plus my tongue was swollen this morning which meant either I ate something I was allergic to or maybe I was dehydrated...which given that I was taking benadryl and hadn't drank all night...probably the dehydrated part...so been pushing fluids all day...anyway...need to get more gatoraid...or electrolyte filled drinks...I had poweraid I think...not gatoraid oh well...anyways...need more...must hydrate...

keep ya posted thanks for following me and praying for me they are very much needed especially during this stressful time...tempting time...all this could go away with just my pills and a glass of water...all would be well in my world...my legs and back wouldn't hurt and my mind wouldn't be racing with thoughts and my chest wouldn't be pounding from all this anxiety...but no I will be strong and get through this...because I have no other choice...I have to do this...got my game face back on...I am ready for bed...

Good night!
Thanks again,
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Day 3 detox

Nausea has set in on me to add to leg pain and lower back pain which was the original reason I got put on these meds...really wish I was in the hospital doing this but they either don't treat patients in my condition or they want you in day you quit to go through detox there...they claim I'm in the clear for detox...they claim it will only get better and that the norco and Valium and naproxen and gabapentin are not usually drugs they need to hospitalize to detox well I'm running a fever and have migraines on and off and lost all appetite have to force myself to eat...maybe I'm an acceptation to their little box of normalcy...I really don't know and don't care what they think about this...for me it's worse thing ever...I'm sorry if I scare you I'm very sensitive to medication the norco were only 5's...so thankful that was enough to take care of my pain I couldn't imagine coming off tens at this point in time...I imagine this is what it's like to come on hard street drugs...thankfully I never had the experience of getting hooked on those...anyways keep prayers coming still shaky migraine here and there in waves...now nausea and loss of appetite...fever and chills 101.4...why do they have little boxes for me to fit in? I'm uniquely me...they can take their typical limit on days facing detox (3-5 days) and shove it up their asses...and that's all I have to say about that...thanks for the support and prayers Lord knows I need them since He will be the only help I can have through this...because the system failed me...going back asleep where I can escape from all these detox symptoms and the original reason for being on those damn pills...I don't care if I lose my legs and have them amputated and am in worse pain than having a baby with no drugs (4 of my 6 were that way so I know that pain threshold) I'm refusing hydro condone, opiates, and all addictive type medications and tell them to shove them up their asses...cuz I'm never going through this again! And if I do...lesson learned on going in the day I plan to stop them and not think for a moment I can go through this alone...fuck no...lesson learned...filed away in my mind forever...this really sucks...if you are thinking about getting off any opiates don't think for a second you can do it alone just go in...if no insurance they have state funded treatment facilities that won't help the insured like me...so call united way and find a treatment facility that's state funded and go in...I'm honestly ready to say "I'm going to kill myself" cuz it wouldn't be far from the truth at this point...shakes, nausea, vision going in and out of focus, migraine coming in waves, leg and lower back pain, yeah just put me out of my misery please and thank you! I will walk to the hospital at this point...in this town it wouldn't be advisable this late at night or even in broad day light...so not going to do that...but my husband is very tired and I don't want to have him take me to the er and pay $100 copay and them not keep me...so I will bite this bullet some more and hope all is well tomorrow...gn

Detox day 3

Running a 101.4 temperature pain has returned to unbearable levels but migraine is at bay...my legs and lower back hurt so bad it ain't even funny...I tried to go into treatment but they consider me already detoxed cuz it's three days out...unless I have suicidal or homicidal thoughts they can't help me...so I'm going back to bed...I need dr supervision but don't qualify...this is ridiculous...tomorrow I go to a recovery place for an assessment and then probably go to intense outpatient treatment...in the mean time though those pills are calling my name...and it's hard to ignore the call of all this pain being gone...lord help me through one more day...gn

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Update on detox

Well, migraine is starting to set in on me fast...this is the part where I caved in last time...but I have to stay strong and push through it and get to the other side keep the prayers coming I'm going to need them tomorrow and through the rest of this detox process...if I can't handle it and have the urge to grab the pills I will not grab them instead head to the hospital for the rest of my detox...I think I can I think I can...thanks for your support 

Sincerely 
Rabeka Jo

Day 2 detox

Day 2 detox from Norco, Valium, Gabapentin, and Naproxen.

Tremors have set in, I struggled to sign my name for the co pay at the addiction specialists office...they say there is no option to help me through these withdrawals at this point in time because of unmentionable reasons...I am unable to get into right now...He said I could take Benadryl and Tylenol to help with Anxiety and pain and temperature...but that is all I can do right now...that and sleep through it...If I get weak and find myself reaching for the pills...I have an option to go into the hospital for 3-5 days to finish withdrawing there which is something I would prefer given that I am struggling so hard to keep going through this to get off these pills because I HAVE to....I have no other choice but to get off these meds...my shoulder is killing me (Bursitis) and my leg cramps have returned full force...my anxiety is high...my kids are with my mother in law but I think she intends to bring them home which will no doubt add to my anxiety....I don't know how to tell her not right now please without seeming selfish, or rude, or I don't know what the word I am looking for, but I really don't want to add the anxiety of taking care of two fighting boys to the mix though they would be accompanied by my niece and they tend to get along better with her around...but still their energy and disobedience is so not welcomed right now...but I don't think I have a choice in that matter they want to come home and what they want is what they get...the hospital is seeming more and more appealing....but my husband thinks I can do it on my own at home and don't need to wrack up a bill that insurance may or may not cover...we can't afford anything not covered....thinking about calling insurance and seeing what they have to offer me...because I really don't know if I can make it through with the dismissal of my concerns by those around me as if I am putting everyone around me out by deciding to stop meds right now...I really can't help the timing...it is vital that I stop asap...I hope and pray that God gets me through this and I can overcome it and walk away with nothing wrong far as irritability and other adverse effects of withdrawal...I can't add to the chaos that surrounds me...My flesh is weak....but God is stronger than all that comes into my life and He will no doubt see me through it all...just hope it is over soon.

Thanks for stopping in and checking in on me I will update more as things occur...I just took two benadryl and a Tylenol arthritis (1) strength (650mg) and hope to be able to go to sleep but think my mother in law is intending on bringing the boys and niece home...so not sure how that is going to go over...keep my patience in check Lord...and keep my struggle hidden from them I pray...this is so not easy at all on me...

I think some maybe wondering how I could accidentally become addicted so I thought I would clarify that statement from my first post of this series...I been on Norco for a long time...not sure when I started...but it was because my legs had awful cramps in them...they ended up saying it was Fibromyalgia...but Rhumatologist ruled that out and wanted either a back surgeon to look me over (because he thought it was in my lower back that was causing the leg pain or a muscle biopsy...well the Dr decided to do the muscle biopsy and it came back normal...so no answers as to why my pain was there...now my leg where the biopsy was taken down to my ankle is numb and I have a scar but no answers...I continued to stay on Norco....but I took them regularly after surgery every 4-6 hours they are Norco 5's so I thought I was doing good when I got back down to my every 8 hours and even stretched it a little farther at times to stretch my pills for the month...I didn't know my body had grown accustom to the drug and when I quit for those three days it let me know it was protesting that move but I didn't realize it until I looked up the withdrawal signs and symptoms...then I realized my body had became addicted...I myself don't feel addicted...I don't have to have them...but my body does...does that make sense? so now I sit and wait to get through the withdrawals and hope I keep my flesh strong and refrain from dragging it on and on...Dr said 3-5 days it should take for the withdrawals to stop...I hope its 3 not 5 or longer because I don't know how much more of this I can take...

So I am going to go and try and sleep...and hope that if my kids do come home...that I can sleep through these tremors and ease my way into recovery with little effort...wish me luck and keep praying for me as I know I am weak in my despair...thanks guys.

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo

P.s. Life hasn't been easy on me...loss of two girls to corrupt system and adopted to strangers, then later a daughter died from HLHS and Turner Syndrome then 4 months after that my mother died from skin cancer, then I had a stillborn son at 28 weeks along...The girls being the biggest loss I experienced by far...but THIS maybe the hardest thing I been through by far...thanks again for the prayers I need them

Accidentally addicted

Accidentally Addicted

My journey through withdrawal from Norco 5, Valium, gabapentin, and Naproxen (I know Norco and Valium are the only ones I am withdrawing from but I been on all four for many months so I thought I would include them)


Well, I took my pills every 8 hours as instructed (3x a day) by my doctor so I thought I had a handle on it and even didn't take it ever 8 hours sometimes just waited until I couldn't tolerate the pain no more. I had been taking them every 4-6 hours after I had a Muscle biopsy done on my calve...which came back normal. My legs have been aching for a very long time...doctors don't know why and want to say its somatic...in other worse psycho somatic. Which I think its in my lower back because when I bend over a lot it makes the pain in my legs much worse...but they refuse to do an MRI to rule that out because I had one done in Sept. 2012 when this all started and it showed nothing. Here it is nearly a year later and they still won't do one? OK fine its somatic but I ain't taking anti-depressants, those don't fix circumstances and my depression is 100% circumstances and not chemical which is what anti depressants fix.

I tried on July 28th, 2013 after taking a dose at 4am on that day, just stopping my meds, just cause I was sick and tired of them being the only way I could function. That was not a good choice on my part. First day (July 28th) off I was lethargic didn't want to do anything but lay around and sleep all day and night. Day 2 (July 29) I was sick to my stomach all day long and had no appetite on top of lethargic. Day 3 (July 30) same thing no appetite, sour stomach, and was starting to get a headache. Day 4 (July 31) I woke up at 10:30 and had a migraine worst ever I experienced in my life and ended up caving in and taking my meds right then and there. Later that day when it came time to take next dose I cut them in half and took Norco that way until Aug 5th then I started taking them half of the half so quarter of them...here it is Aug. 6th I didn't take any pills accept tylenol and got benadryl for the anxiety...was trying to quit smoking too but thats just going to have to be next on the list...its just not happening at the same time as these pills cuz they are hard to quit.

So today (Aug 6th), my right hand has been shaky all day, been tired excessively and irritable with kids and animals but not violent, starting to get a headache, and starting to lose appetite but not really more of a motivation just vanished at this point I am hungry but have no go to attitude to fix anything sorta thing. its 2:30am on Aug 7th as I write this. I thought hey here is an idea blog my experience getting off these meds so maybe it can help someone out there who wants to get off them...can see it can be done that you just gotta get through the rough patches which I plan to.

Today (Aug 7th) I go to see my addiction counselor (the one who prescribed the Vallium which is only 2mg and I take half every 8 hours to keep my anxiety in check which is the only anxiety med that works for me and I have been on them all along with anti-depressants so don't judge him for putting me on them, its just a choice that I decided to cut that and Norco at the same time and the other two as well. I just want to function without having to reach for pills) Anyway I will update tomorrow (I plan to at least) and let you know how that visit went with the doctor and what he suggests I do to get off them and off them as fast and safely as possible. So Wish me luck! And if you pray, say a prayer of hedge of protection around my body so I can get through this. Thank you so very much!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." 
-Philippians 4:13

"For in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily. And ye are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power:"
-Colossians 2:9-10

Wish me luck! Thank's guys for your support during my difficult journey that awaits before me! I going to need all the support I can get at this point.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo