My pain is increased in my lower back hips and legs and even knees now...I have diarrhea...and feel spacey...those pills are so tempting...because just taking them would make all this go away and I would feel so much better so I am going to properly dispose of my pills by making them into a paste then mixing them with coffee grounds and put them in the can and throw them in the trash (as directed by my local pharmacy)...because there is no place to take unused meds...that way they can't tempt me anymore...or taunt me not sure what it is they are doing...maybe both...I went to my Assessment and am going to start going three times a week to a sobriety counselor group session...so hopefully they can give me the skills I need to get through this...if I feel weak though I may have to fake my relapse (because I can't afford to actually relapse) to get into a treatment facility...because they already told me I am out of the woods because I am past day 3 which IMHO I am far from out of the woods and I will be the one to decide when I feel safe enough to be out here in the real world that temps me every waking hour to use...OKAY?!
So yeah, still want to just cave in and use the pills and feel better and forget this pain and anxiety that is raging through my body like I been struck by lightning or something...just surged and on edge at every little thing....
Here is how strong I am...to test my sobriety today, (Devil's work on me today) I made the mistake of feeding the dogs before I left thinking nothing of it...well when we got home four hours later my husbands old dog who is 13 greeted us at the gate covered in mud and as we approached him we seen blood dripping from both ears...he had been brutally attacked by my dogs a Pug and Puggle ( he is a big old Lab mind you but he is 13 and having a hard time getting around as is)...anyway my heart sunk...I started shaking...I couldn't believe this happened and it was my fault...I should of let him in and dealt with the mud on the floor...but instead my stupid ass left him outside with food that the pug and puggle protect like wolves...which is stupid...most stupidest thing I could ever have done to the poor dog...and I feel horrible!!!!! He had to get stitches rang up a 71 dollar vet bill to buy my husband a little more time with his dog before he puts him down...which was planned on doing in the next 6 months anyway due to him not being able to get up and down stairs like he used to and getting around very roughly...he is struggling as is...and now here he is mangled and hurt...I helped my husband give him a bath to try and see what was going on with his wounds...I called the vet they said to bring him in...so we were preparing to put him to sleep as there may not have been anyway they could help him...but he ended up being able to be stitched up and bought a little more time with us...anyway...its a big strain on my sobriety...I just want to be numb from it all...all the guilt...all the pain I caused my husband...and kids...and now we have to find new homes for our pug and puggle because they maybe a threat to our kids now....I just am beside myself...I really don't know what to do or say anymore...I feel like a failure and if I take my pills I would fail even harder...so I am trying so hard to just swallow my instinct and instead of reaching for my piills...just go on and dispose of them and get that out of the way so its no longer there taunting me...I feel too weak to do that...may have to have my husband do it for me...I may be tempted to take just one sliver of each secretly while making them into a paste to mix with the coffee grounds...so either my husband watches me or he does it for me...I don't trust myself...or he hides the pills from me...something has to be done...I am totally scared of caving in and I have come so far through this...and never wish to ever visit this place never ever again...anyways...
Very eventful day...feel like crap...ready to go to bed...hoping tomorrow will be better...keep wishing that every night...the shakes weren't as bad as they were this morning...I started taking one benadryl instead of two...and hope that maybe the cause of my shakes...plus my tongue was swollen this morning which meant either I ate something I was allergic to or maybe I was dehydrated...which given that I was taking benadryl and hadn't drank all night...probably the dehydrated part...so been pushing fluids all day...anyway...need to get more gatoraid...or electrolyte filled drinks...I had poweraid I think...not gatoraid oh well...anyways...need more...must hydrate...
keep ya posted thanks for following me and praying for me they are very much needed especially during this stressful time...tempting time...all this could go away with just my pills and a glass of water...all would be well in my world...my legs and back wouldn't hurt and my mind wouldn't be racing with thoughts and my chest wouldn't be pounding from all this anxiety...but no I will be strong and get through this...because I have no other choice...I have to do this...got my game face back on...I am ready for bed...
Good night!
Thanks again,
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
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